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Barbie's Nasty Christmas Letter To Santa
Dear Santa: Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one
too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes
around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell
it). So, here's my holiday wish list: 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of
looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have
nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at
Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man...maybe G.I.
Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If
I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push
the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you
have to twist, just get it done. 6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school
teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec. 8. A new, more 90's persona.
Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal
Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting
a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking
my vinyl. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it. Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable
contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo
doll for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly,
Barbie
YOU KNOW YOU GREW UP IN THE 1980'S IF...
You ever ended your sentence with "psych"
You solved the Rubics cube.....by
peeling off the stickers
You watched the pound puppies
You can sing the rap to "the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"
You
wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish
You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start
a club of your own.
You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls
You know that 'Whoa' comes from Joey
on "Blossom"
Three words: M.C. Hammer
You thought it would be great to have a friend named, "Boner"
You can
sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales"
If you played the chipmunks Christmas album all year long!
Remember reading
Kool-Aid man comics
You ever watched Fraggle Rock
You had plastic streamers on the handle bars of your bike
You remember
When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons
You wore a pony tail to the side of your head
You
saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen
You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer
class at school
You made your mom buy you one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a
knot on the side
You
had a Kirk Cameron poster on your bedroom wall
You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House) with friends
at school
You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it
L.A. GEAR
Your mother wouldn't let you have
garbage pail kids
You wanted to change your name to Jem in Kindergarten
You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade
Nothing" and all the Ramona books
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on,Wax off"
You wanted to be a Goonie
You
ever wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing
You wanted to be on StarSearch
You can remember what Michael Jackson
looked like before his nose fell off
You took Lunch pales to school
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY
female smurf
You remember the craze, and then banning of slap bracelets
You still get the urge to use "NOT" at the end
of every statement you make
You remember Hypercolor T-shirts
Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band
You remember
Punky Brewster
You loved Howard the Duck
You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook up
You thought your childhood
friends would never leave because you exchanged
"friendship bracelets"
You ever owned a pair of Jelly Shoes
After
you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you couldn't stop saying "I know you are but what am I?"
You remember "I've fallen...and
I can't get up!"
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
You ever got seriously injured
on a slip and slide
You know not to mix poprocks and soda (but did it anyway!)
You have played with a 'skip-it'
You
had or went to a birthday party at McDonald's
You learned oldies songs by watching Alvin and the Chipmunks
You had a
Glow Worm or watched the cartoons
You remember dancing along with the Bangles in "Walk Like An Egyptian"
If you remember
Heathcliff the orange cat
You saw the California Raisins Christmas claymation special
You've gone through this list
occasionally saying "That wasn't from the 80's."
You remember Popples
DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You wore
socks over tights with high-top Reeboks
You wore like 8 pairs of socks at once, scrunched down
MISS MARY MACK MACK MACK
ALL DRESSED IN BLACK BLACK BLACK.....
You remember boom boxes instead of CD players
You remember watching both "Gremlins"
movies
You remember the Transformers
You know what it meant to say "care bear stare!!" and you had a favorite
You
remember Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales
You remember watching TV thinking Doogie Howser was hot!
You remember
Alf, the little furry brown alien from Melmac
You remember the large amounts of hairspray used
You remember those very
stylish headbands
You remember Vicky the Robot
You remember Eve Garland from Out of this World and how she could stop
time by pressing the tips of her index fingers together and talking to her dad through a glowing cube in her bedroom
You
remember the beggining of New Kids on the Block
You remember watching The Cosby show
You remember Mr.Belvadere
You
remember Michael J. Fox in Family Ties and Back to the Future
You know all the names of the gang from "Saved by the
Bell"
You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "shot through the heart" song
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
(Read this aloud, if you can!)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted
at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error
to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking
icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless
and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network
is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected
by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are
as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro
code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn
off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
LIST OF BIZARRE PICKUP LINES....WEEEEEE!!!
How 'bout I periodically examine your elements?
I like how you sneeze.
I love popsicles! What's your flavor?
If I kiss you, will you shut up?
I hope you're still hot when I'm sober!
Excuse me, but can I drinketh
from your cupeth?
Wow! You smell just like fresh sod!
You're hotter than a million penguins on freshly
tarred
pavement in Texas.
I will only take out my retainer for YOU.
My inner child needs spanking.
You have
some nice nostrils, buddy.
They say duct tape can do anything. You wanna test
that theory?
If you think
I'm cute now, wait'll I get this mole
removed.
Wanna see a trick I learned in prison?
Hey babe, wanna go
to my place and run your fingers
through the hair on my back?
You're so hot, my dog saw you and now he's being
sold
at ball parks!
Original recipe, extra crispy, rotisserie style, or
me?
Do you find duct tape stimulating?
You must be carrying acetone because my eyes are glued
to you.
Do you like gin and platonic, or scotch
and sofa?
I've had my shots!
I was writin' a song for you, but instead of writin'
the words, I wrote your
name all over the paper, and
when I got done I looked at the paper and saw your
name, and started making out with the
notebook.
I have split personalities. I want to scoop you up in
my arms and kiss you like an animal, but my other
personality
wants to drink your blood and sacrifice
you to the Dark One. Don't worry though, there's only
a 75 percent chance that
would happen. So how 'bout
it?
When the sun hits your face at a 97.4 degree angle,
you look absolutely beautiful!
I'd like to put the hibiddy in your dibiddy.
I really think you and my dog would hit it off.
I wanna
poor hot coffee on your belly and hold you
until the pain stops!
Can I buy you a drink... or reimburse you for
that one
you're drinking?
Do you like sweaty chicks? Because I have a gland
problem.
Baby, you are so
fine, I'd drink your dirty bath
water.
You are the gravy on the taters of my heart.
Love ain't nothin'
but sex misspelled.
Let's pillow fight naked.
I wanna Gatorade your lollipop for cheese!
Have you ever
been in a mental institution?
You remind me of my kitty.
complete the form to send this line to a friend:
You
remind me of my kitty
Is that a bottle of salad dressing in your pants, or
are you just happy to see me?
Hi.
Here's the story: I would really like to copulate
with you, as per usual human instincts, and so if we
could dispense
with all the formalities and make
somthing of it...
I hold the world record for appearances on the Jerry
Springer
show.
Fat penguin... there, I said something to break the
ice.
Does your job require a paper hat?
I'm
a bird watcher looking for a big breasted bed
thrasher. Have you seen one?
I love cheese.
No! Don't leave!
I know more show tunes!
Behold, the power of cheese.
Did your dad have sex with a carrot? 'Cause you've got
great
eyes
Are your parents retarded? Because you're special.
"I know this is gonna sound like a line, but did that
sound
like a line? Are you disappointed?" (submitted
from Canada)
How'd you like to shake hands with Abe Lincoln?
Are
you a serial killer? You look like someone who'd
just love to tie me up and eat me.
I'm not going to drop your
spirit stick!
I love you like a sister. Will you go out with me?
I think I know now why I got that first punch.
Are you a crack head?
Is that your cellphone, or are you happy to look down
my tank-top?
My dentist
told me that I should start flossing some
more. How 'bout we go to your bedroom for awhile?
I'd like to wrap your
legs around my head and wear you
like a feed bag.
Does your monkey make macaroni?
Baby, if I die, will
you be buried next to me?
Male/Female Dictionary
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female- Any part under a cars hood.
Male- The strap fastener on a womans
bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female- Fully opening up ones self emotionally to another.
Male-
Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female- The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
ones partner.
Male- Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female- A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male- Not trying to pick up other women while out with ones girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female- A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male- Anything
that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female- An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male- Source of entertainment,
self-statement, and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female- The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male-
Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female- A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male-
A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes
Subject: nobody's perfect
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship,
they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect
couple
was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were
driving
along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving
conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had
an
accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the
answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
Answer:
The
perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in
the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus
and there is no
such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
****
Men keep scrolling.
So,
if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Men
Keep scrolling
By
the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: Women never listen.
CHAIN SEX
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE): During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times,
which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
9 times you just laid there
10 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
7 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
9 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND): I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than
you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
WHEN I WAS A KID...
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with
their
tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were
growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles
to school
every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards
carrying their younger siblings on their backs
to their
one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A
average despite their full-time after-school job
at the
local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour
just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there
was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like
that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've
got it!
But....
Now that I've
reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I
can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so fuckin' easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned
Utopia! And
I hate to say it but you kids today you don't
know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't
have The Internet--we
wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned
library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a
letter--with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the
way
across the street and put it in the fuckin' mailbox and it
would take like a week to get there!
And
there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal
music, you had to go to the goddamned record store and
shoplift
it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to
tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the
beginning
and fuck it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had
to bribe some
homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!
It was either that or jackoff to the lingerie
section of the
JC Penney catalog!
Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy shit like
Call Waiting! If you were on
the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller
ID Boxes either! When the
phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your
boss, your Mom, a collections agent,
your drug dealer, you
didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!
And we
didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games
with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With
games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the
graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had
to
use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels
or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could
never
win, the game just kept getting harder and faster
until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you
went to the movie theater there no such thing as
stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall
guy
sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was
only like
20 channels and there was no on screen menu! You
had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what
was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get
cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what the fuck
I'm
saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK , you spoiled little
bastards!
That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have
got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys
wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
Noah in Modern Times
It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the
United States. The Lord
speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the
whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the
righteous people and two of every kind
of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In
a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed
to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in
one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went
into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah.
"I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply
with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected,
claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees
to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However,
the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and
went out on strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the
Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only
taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly
to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army
Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has
seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I
just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water
craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying
that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't
think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.
The sky began to
clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You
mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
AMEN!
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should
know 5 things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah,
not if I'm gonna have to explain it 5 times."
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...
~she called me to get my phone number
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice boz because it said "concentrate"
~she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
~she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
~ she tried to drown a fish
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund
~ she got locked up in a grocery store and starved to death
~ she tripped over a cordless phone
~ she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
~ she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
~ she studied for a blood test
~ she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
~ when she missed bus 44, she took bus 22 twice instead.
~ when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport left" she turned around and went home.
1.. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.
2. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.
3. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick
4 . WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho cheese
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quattro sinko.
7. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.
9. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.
10. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.
11. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef
12. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.
13. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog
14. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.
15. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the Dirt Bag.
16. WHY DOES A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.
17. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD
SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad sky diver goes
damn, whack.
18. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.
19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame way, unique up on it.
20. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.
21. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish drive-by-shooting!
22. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife
came down with a terrible headache and told
her husband to go to the party
and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she
argued and said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told
him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his
costume and
away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still
early she decided to go to the party.
Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some
kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
cavorting around
on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and
copping a feel here and taking
a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to
him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and
dry
and devoted his time to the new action. She let him go as far as he
wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally
he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into
bed, wondering what
kind of excuse he would have for his notorious
behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him
what
he had done.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there." Then she asked,
"Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll
tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met
Pete,
Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker
all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy that I loaned
my costume to sure
had one hell of a time!"
Happy New Year
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you
for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see
one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first
thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty
cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance
to the first.
13. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
14. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas,
some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people
are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
WHAT A PARTY
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home.
He says no, that he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for
weaving
and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as
he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery
taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they
hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
home, he tells his wife he is going to bed and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been
in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X is there and his wife says yes. They ask
to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They
ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where
they find the police car, lights still flashing.
A TRUE STORY, AS TOLD BY THE DRIVER AT HIS FIRST AA MEETING.....
Control Freaks
Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives,
while the third remains silent.
After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What kind
of control do you have over your wife?"
The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the
other day I had her on her knees."
The first two men were dumbfounded.
"Wow! What happened next?" they asked.
The
third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and
fight like a man!'"
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
about who was better on the computer.
They had been going at
it for days, and God was tired of hearing all
the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test
which will
take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards
and typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky,
thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course the
electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed
in every curse word
known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and
each of them
restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming,
"It's gone! It's all gone!
I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the
past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"
(You'll
love the punch line....)
God shrugged and said,
"Jesus Saves."
0 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses
on
and point Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow
Down.
2. Page Yourself Over
The Intercom. Don't Disguise
Your
Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,
Ask If
They
Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It
"In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once
Everyone
Has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To
Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks,
Write "For
Sexual
Favors."
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With
The
Prophecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather
Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically
After
They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't
Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito
Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play
Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance,
Tell Your Friends You Can't
Attend
Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16.
Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling
Name,
Rock Hard.
17. When The Money
Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I
Won!, I
Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running
Towards The
Parking
Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your
Children Over Dinner, "Due To The
Economy, We
Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
And
The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......
20. Send This E-mail To Someone To
Make Them
Smile...It's Called Therapy...
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have these two talking female parrots,
but they only know how to say one
thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asked. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we
are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to
your
problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will
put them with my two male talking
parrots who I have taught to pray and read
the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you,"
said the lady.
The next day, the
lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The
priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying
in their
cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots
and the female parrots
say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have
some fun?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and
screams, "Frank! Put
the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"
It's good to be a man. Here's why.
Your ass is never a factor in a job
interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans
take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Same
work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding
Dress, $2,000. Tux rental, $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're
talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
One mood, all the damn time.
Phone conversations
are over in 30 seconds.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get
extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single,
nobody notices.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours
without ever
thinking, "He must be mad at me."
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might
become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
Christmas
shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24,
in minutes.
You don't have to stop and think
of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years,
maybe decades.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails
with a pocketknife.
The world is your urinal.
Subject: How Some Women Think
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she
replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I
could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
AND FINALLY,
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she
can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down he correct aisle. A few
minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought
you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo
much cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she."
Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's
restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
|
The best way to a man's heart
is
to saw his breast plate open.
Women's restroom
Murphy's, Champaign, IL |
|
|
Beauty is only a light switch
away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham,
NC |
|
|
I've decided that to raise
my grades
I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library
Harvard University, Cambridge,
MA |
|
|
If life is a waste of time,
and
time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's
Pizza, Washington,
DC |
|
|
Remember, it's not,
"How
high are you?"
it's
"Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia |
|
|
God made pot.
Man made
beer.
Who do you trust?
The Irish Times, Washington, DC |
|
|
Fighting for peace is like
screwing
for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton
Rouge, LO |
|
|
No matter how good she looks,
some
other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her crap.
Men's Room
Linda's
Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill,
NC |
|
|
To do is to be. - Descartes
To
be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra
Men's restroom
Greasewood
Flats, Scottsdale,
AZ |
|
|
At the feast of ego
everyone
leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ |
|
|
It's hard to make a comeback
when
you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust
on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ |
|
|
Make love, not war.
-Hell,
do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MO |
|
|
God is dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche
is dead. - God
The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC
|
|
|
If voting could really change
things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New
York, New York. |
|
|
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If
it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's
Last Resort, Dallas,
TX |
|
|
If pro is opposite of con,
then
what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom
House of Representatives,
Washington, DC |
|
|
Express Lane:
Five beers
or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ |
|
|
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills,CA. |
|
|
No wonder you always go home
alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA | |
>SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I
>What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
>Juan on Juan.
>
>What
is a Yankee?
>The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>
>What is the difference between a Harley
and a Hoover?
>The position of the dirt bag.
>
>Why is divorce so expensive?
>Because it's worth it.
>
>What
do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
>Doughnuts.
>
>Why is air a lot like sex?
>Because
it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
>
>SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
>
>What
do you call a smart blonde?
>A golden retriever.
>
>What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
>45
lbs.
>
>What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
>45 minutes.
>
>What's the fastest
way to a man's heart?
>Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>
>What's the difference between a new husband
and a new dog?
>After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
>
>Why don't bunnies make noise when
they have sex?
>Because they have cotton balls.
>
>What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
>A
porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
>
>Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
>Mace will do that to you.
>
>Why
did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
>Everyone has the same DNA.
>
>Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
>Breasts don't have eyes.
>
>SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
>Where
does an Irish family go on vacation?
>A different bar.
>
>What would you call it when an Italian has one
arm shorter than the
>other?
>A speech impediment.
>
>What's the difference between a southern zoo
and a northern zoo?
>A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
>along with... "a
recipe".
>
>What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
>fairytale?
>A northern
fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
>begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
R Rated Riddles
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A
hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off
a cliff in your new
car.
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's
the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your vasectomy.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A
guy will actually search for a golf ball.
What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
Why
do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.
What's the difference between purple and pink?
The grip.
How
do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45
pounds.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What is the difference between medium and rare?
Six inches is medium,
eight inches is rare.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
"Coded
Message"
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if
Saddam is still alive," Saddam decided to send
George
W. a letter in his own writing to let his
enemy know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it
appeared to contain
a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it in
and
e-mailed Colin Powell. Colin and his aids
had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so
it went to the NSA and
then to MIT and NASA and the cc list got longer
and longer. Eventually it arrived at the
Feds.
Dr. Greenspan looked at it and replied the next
second:
"Perhaps the President would wish to read at
the
message up-side-down...."
Top 10 Suggestions for Guys While Playing Golf and / or taking a Leak in a Public Bathroom
10. Back straight,
knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead
of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please! . . . while others are preparing to go.
1.
Don't take extra strokes
THERE WERE THREE PRIESTS IN A
RAILROAD STATION, ALL WANTING TO GO HOME
TO PITTSBURGH. BEHIND THE TICKET COUNTER WAS A VERY, VERY SHAPELY, WELL ENDOWED, GORGEOUS, AMAZING WOMAN...THE PRIESTS WERE ALL IN EMBARRASSING NEW TERRITORY, SO THEY DREW STRAWS TO DETERMINE WHO WOULD GO UP AND GET THE TICKETS...THE FIRST PRIEST APPROACHED THE WINDOW. "YOUNG LADY," HE BEGAN, "I WOULD LIKE THREE PICKETS TO TITSBURG." WHERE UPON HE COMPLETELY
LOST HIS COMPOSURE AND FLED... THE SECOND PRIEST APPROACHED. "YOUNG LADY, I WOULD LIKE THREE TICKETS TO PITTSBURGH," HE BEGAN, AND I WOULD LIKE THE CHANGE IN NIPPLES AND DIMES." OF COURSE HE ALSO FLED... THEN CAME THE THIRD. "YOUNG LADY, I WOULD LIKE THREE TICKETS TO PITTSBURGH, AND
I WOULD LIKE THE CHANGE IN NICKELS AND DIMES. AND I MUST SAY, HE CONTINUED, "IF YOU INSIST ON DRESSING LIKE THAT WHEN YOU GET TO THE PEARLY GATES,ST. FINGER'S GOING TO SHAKE HIS PETER AT YOU."!!!!!
Subject: Chicagoese
>
>
>A little taste of Chicago.....
>
>
>Subject: How to speak Chicagoese..
>
>1.
Grachki (grach'-key) is Chicago for "Garage Key" as in, "Yo, Theresa, waja
do wit da grachki? Howmy supposta cut da grass
if don't git intada grach?"
>
>2. Uptadaendada (up-ta-da-en'-dada) as in, "Joey, you kin ride yur bike
uptadaendada
alley but not acrost or I'll bust yur butt..."
>
>3. Sammich. Chicagoese for sandwich. When made with sausage,
it's a sassage
sammich; with shredded beef, it's an Italian beef sammich, a local delicacy
consisting of piles of
spicy meat in a perilously soggy bun.
>
>4. Da. The definite article is a key part of Chicago speech, as in
"da tree
bears" or "da Mare"-the latter denoting, for as long as he wants it to, Richard
M. Daley, or Richie, as he's
often known.
>
>5. Jewels. Not family heirlooms or a tender body region, but a popular
appellation for one
of the region's dominant grocery chains, to wit, "I'm goin'
to da Jewels to pick up some sassage." As in most Chicago
>
>pluralizations, the "S" is pronounced with a hissing sound, rather than the
usual "Z" sound of American
pluralization.
>
>6. Field's: Marshall Field, a prominent Chicago department store. Also Carson
Pirie Scott,
a major department store chain, is called "Carson's," etc.
>
>7.Tree. The number between two and four. "We were
lucky dat we only got tree
inches of snow da udder night"
>
>8. Prairie. A vacant lot, especially one on
which weeds are growing.
>
>9. Over by dere. i.e. "over by there," a prolix way of emphasizing a site
presumed
familiar to the listener. As in, "I got the sassage at da Jewels down
on Kedzie, over by dere.'
>
>10. Kaminsk
Park. Perhaps the high concentration of ethnic Poles makes people
want the White Sox to be playing in this mythical ballpark,
rather than in
their true home, Comiskey Park.
>
>11. Frunchroom as in, "Getottada frunchroom wit dose muddy
shoes." It's not
the "parlor." It's not the "living room." In the land of the bungalow, it's
the "frunchroom," a named
derived, linguists believe, from "front room."
>
>12. Use. Not the verb but the plural pronoun "you". "Where's
use goin'?"
>
>13. Downtown. Anywhere south of the zoo and north of Soldier Field near the
lake.
>
>14. BoysTown: A section on Halsted Ave., between Belmont and Addison, which is
lined with gay bars on the west
and east sides of the street. "Didn't I see uze
in Boystown in front of da Manhole?"
>
>15. Braht: Short
for Bratwurst. "gimme a braht wit kraut"
>
>16. Cashbox: Traffic reporter slang for tollbooths. "Dere's a delay
at da
>cashbox on da Skyway"
>
>17. Goes: Past or present tense of the verb "say." For example, "Then
he
goes, 'I like this place'!"
>
>18. Guys: Used when addressing two or more people, regardless of each
individual's gender.
>
>19. Pop: A soft drink. Don't say "soda" in this town. "what kinda pop you
got?"
>
>20. Sliders: Nickname for hamburgers from White Castle, a popular Midwestern
burger chain "Dose sliders
I had last night gave me da runs"
>
>21. The Taste: The annual Taste of Chicago Festival, a huge extravaganza
in
Grant Park featuring samples of Chicagoland's fine cuisine. Takes place around
and before the Fourth of July holiday.
>
>22. "Jieetyet": this is used to ask "did you eat yet"?
>
>23. Winter and Construction: Punch-line
to the joke, "what are the two seasons
in Chicago?"
>
Chocolate
Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are
plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump
out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each
other?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong
with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
You can't let that happen, can you?
Top Five reasons computers must be female...
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly
not going to tell you."
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I (GOOD STUFF)
What do you call two Mexicans
playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
SOMETHING
TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's
the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After
a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make
noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and
BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why
did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about
the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses
it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
Where
does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded
baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has
a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet
little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's
the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland
in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
> > > Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family
>
> > member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
> > > somber.
> > >
> > > "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
> > > worried faces. "The
only hope left for your loved one at this time is
> > > a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very
risky but it is
> > > the only hope."
> > >
> > > "Insurance will cover the procedure,
but you will have to pay for the
> > > brain yourselves."
> > >
> > > The family members
sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
> > > length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does
a brain cost?"
> > > The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
> > >
female brain."
> > >
> > > The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
>
> > avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
> > > A man, unable to control his
curiosity, blurted out the question
> > > everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
> > The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
> > > entire group, "It's just standard
pricing procedure
> > > We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've
> > >
actually been used."
> > > SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK
>
> > CAN HANDLE IT.
Ever wonder about people who say they are giving more than 100% ?
We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants over 100%. How
about achieving 103 %? Here is a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A
B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%.
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4
7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So
it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
Attitude will get you there, and Bullshit
will
take you over the top.
But look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7
= 118%.
So the next time someone ask you to give more than 100%, you know what is
required of you.
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